No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.

 

i ask my toddler what's in the box she's holding. "chaos!" she replies. "chaos! chaos!" i know she's trying to say "crayons," but it's not like she's wrong.

 

I don’t watch awards shows because I’m a parent and all my leisure time is spent trying to get children to brush their teeth.

 

I'm sorry fitness experts, but there is no better strength test than trying to put a coat and pair of shoes on a toddler.

 

My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E. Cheese is only open once a year.

 

Me: What did you do at school today?

5-year-old: Learned about dragons.
Me: Your class learned about dragons?
5: I learned about dragons. I don't know what everybody else was doing.

 

Everything I Own Has Been Peed On: A Parenting Memoir

 

You're going to miss this, I whisper to myself as I'm shot in the butt with a nerf gun while unclogging the toilet.

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Me: What should you do if you see smoke?
6-year-old: Ask what you're cooking.

 

You think you’re going to have a pretty normal day and then your 5-year-old announces she only walks backwards now.

 

Hey parents, remember sleeping in? That shit was wild, right.

As long as you sing to the tune of "You Are my Sunshine," you can literally say anything you want to a baby. I just vented all my frustrations and she still fell asleep. Best therapy ever.

 

We could live INSIDE THE SCHOOL BUS and my son would still find a way to make us late for it every day.

 

Every picture I have of my two-year-old is of him walking towards the camera asking if he can see the picture

 

Kids before school: No! I don't want to go to school.
Kids after school: Let's play school.

 

2yo referred to her coat pockets as "snack holes" and this is what I shall forever call them

 

80% of my time walking places with my kids is spent waiting for them to balance on things.

 

Good day to everyone except the person who designed footie pajamas for potty-training toddlers.

 

Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.

 

Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30

 

Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.

 

 

Me: “Don’t do that!”
My kid: “Sorry..”
Narrator: *But she wasn’t sorry, not one little bit*

 

It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to let them in the car ever again after vacuuming it for two hours.

 

"Parenting" is calmly explaining to a crying toddler that their head is still attached to their body after they put on their shirt by themselves for the first time.

 

A law degree wouldn't help you win an argument with a toddler that a purple crayon is not green.

 

Like a moth to a flame except it’s all 3 of my children and it’s me in the bathroom.

 

A lone Sharpie lid: one of the most terrifying things a parent can find

 

Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.

 

The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.

 

My three year old’s bowling ball has been making its way down the lane for six days. How is your summer going.

 

Only some things are guaranteed in life; taxes, death, and a toddler who demands more french fries before even finishing the ones he has.

 

toddler: I’m really high
friend:
me:
friend:
me: He means tall

 

My husband told me that one day our children will read my tweets.
Thank goodness, because this is the closest thing to a baby book I’ve done.

 

In parenting, there are few non life-threatening situations more anxiety-inducing than watching a tiny human crack an egg.

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*observing my daughter in preschool*
Me: Ok, but how do you get her to just sit there and listen?
Teacher: We practice patience and teach them to do the same.
Me: Right, right. But, like, what bribes are you using?

 

*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.

 

Daytime parenting: strict screen time limits. 1hr only. Child must earn it.
5am parenting (hands 4yo iPad): take this so I can sleep.

 

My 8yo: I don't like movies - they're too long
Also my 8yo: *watches 2-hr long Minecraft YouTube video without budging

 

Nothing says “I’ve got this parenting thing under control!” like using my son’s last juice box as a mixer.

 

In order for my baby to sleep comfortably, the room must be filled with the sound of a barge going through a rain storm, and some crickets

 

Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.

 

 

Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.

 

I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.

 

I just got out of the shower and my baby started screaming. I was confused until I realized he probably doesn’t recognize me with clean hair.

 

Ok, FitBit - if you’re not going to count tantrum-holding my toddler up the street for 15 mins or wrestling him into his car seat as exercise, then I’m not going to count my daily breakfast of toddler bread crusts or my nightly extra glass of wine as calories, either.

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My kids never take my word for anything unless they've confirmed that I've "asked Siri" first.

 

My toddler asks so many questions that even Alexa has taken up drinking.

 

13 - “Mom how do you divide fractions?”
Me - *whispers*
“Siri, how do you divide fractions?”

 

Why do farts smell bad but apple pie smells good? Just one of the questions my kid's ask Siri and why I probably owe her an apology or 12.

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I'm totally ready for THE conversation. When she asks me how babies are born, I know exactly what I'm going to say.
Ask Siri.

 

I was asking Alexa to do things but she kept ignoring me & OMG SHE TURNED INTO ONE OF MY KIDS.

 

My Google home recorded me mid-rant when I was making my shopping list, so when I asked for an updated list it just read out:
1. tuna
2. I need to get the fuck out of here.

 

Just got back from the beach with my family if anybody knows any other beaches that need more sand.

 

My walk of shame is the mile back to the parking lot from the beach when I forgot the kids' sunscreen in the car.

 

Found myself perusing a beach reading list this morning like some kind of innocent, optimistic, childless fool.

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Kids' complaints on vacation:
- No wifi on beach
- Sand is sandy
- Ocean has salt in it
- Lobsters? I want pizza.
- Too outdoorsy outside

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Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us

 

Just got my ass handed to me by my kid's 2nd grade math homework.

 

Refusing to help my kids with their homework because I’m teaching them responsibility.
And also cause like I have no clue what the answer is.

 

 

My 16yo son just asked me to help him with his AP Chemistry homework and then we both laughed and laughed and he went on his way.